• JP Taxman

9.5 Reasons Why Phoenix Sucks


Phoenix is definitely not the place for you to live your life to the fullest. The weather is always terrible. No one interesting lives here, and you’ll spend way to much money on rent.


Don’t come, or get out why you still can!


Here are all the reasons why Phoenix sucks:



1 - The weather is always horrid


Enjoy seasons? You won’t get those here. It’s always perfectly warm. The spring and fall are the perfect temperatures. Summers, don’t get me started on summers. Summer nights are gorgeous. You always know what to wear… A t-shirt. Oh, and the rain. It rains for about 1-2 weeks a year, just enough to make you enjoy it, gross.



2 - You’ll waste your money paying reasonable rent prices


Who really wants to have money left over after paying rent? A bit overrated don’t you think. LA, New York, San Fran, way better places to live since almost your entire check goes to paying for living. Not here in Phoenix, nope, you’ll still have some money for debt, food, and a bit of fun.



3 - The Roads are set up like a grid which makes it way too easy to get around


Dead ends, one ways, and loopty loops, you won’t find many of those here in Phoenix. The urban planners were so dumb when they decided to set the city up like a grid where most of the major streets extend all the way north and south. The numbered streets count up and down from 1-200+ and you know where you are if the number is an avenue or a street. Then, the highways loop around the entire city so you can easily get from one side of the city to the other. Absurd right? Why would people actually want to have an easy time driving around a city? It also makes public transport easier which is so lame.



4 - There are too many interesting yummy coffee shops


It’s almost like a hip coffee shop is on every corner. Copper Star, Lux, Cartel, Kaleidoscope, Press Coffee. So many to choose from. Phoenix needs less coffee shops to hangout and work in and more McDonalds to ingest their copious amounts of coffee.



4.5 - There’s a good chance you’ll have a random interesting conversation at a coffee shop


On top of there being too many coffee shops, in one of these delightful establishments you may run into someone remarkably interesting that you end up having a 2 hour long conversation with about aliens or how cavendish bananas are going extinct because of an uncontrollable fungus. Could this place get any worse? Human connection, eww.



5 - There’s plenty of fantastic hiking, who wants that?


Want to get out doors, get some exercise and fresh air? You’re despicable, but if that’s you there plenty of gorgeous hiking trails littered with wildlife, flowers, and other active people. The views are spectacular… makes me want to puke. Some mountains, like Camelback, give you an awe inspiring 360 degree view of the entire city, but it’s not like you need more amazing photos for your instagram content.



6 - Whatever kind of bar scene you’re into there’s something for you.


I mean come on Phoenix, make up your mind. No city needs something for everyone, each person is supposed to have to adapt and adjust to the city, not have the city adapt and work for your every desire. If you’re into music, conversation, and hanging out with friends then you’ll love downtown with Crescent Ballroom, Valley Bar, and The Vanburen. It also has a bunch of art galleries to pursue, and if you want something really odd you can find a bar with a boxing ring at The Duce.


More into Clubbing and getting way to drunk around younger folk? Then hit Scottsdale where you’ll have a joyous time hoping clubs that are all within a short walking distance of one another. It’s a sight to see, definitely one of the only okay parts of Phoenix.


Need something more low key and more family friendly, hit up Down Town Gilbert for bunch or a nice dinner at one of the local concept restaurants. Plenty to choose from, how despicable.



7 - It has a booming startup scene. Posers.


All the entrepreneurs there want to be like Silicon Valley. They Build these financially viable companies that solve real needs and employ thousands of people. It’s so gross to see the start up scene here growing and develop. They actually help one another out here too, definitely not how it should be, it should be cut throat, every man (or woman) for him (or her) self!


There’s an event this group that has organized called #yesphx, where the entrepreneurs connect and collaborate to grow their business. It’s not helping anyone, you can be sure of that.



8 - There’s too much entertainment


I can’t believe a surfing pool is coming to Scottsdale. How dare they have more fun things to do on top of, indoor and out door skydiving, Top Golf, as well as plenty of concerts and events. Get over yourself Phoenix, more fun things to do is not making your city any better.



9 - There are too many gorgeous people


This one infuriates me the most. Way, just way to many of the people here are beautiful, both personalities and looks. So many people are kind and helpful, just looking to make an honest day's work and help others outside of that. Then you have these gorgeous women that walk around like they own the town. Can we all agree that no one actually wants to look at pretty people. There are just as many ripped, successful men populating this treacherous city making it much less appealing to live here.


Did I trick you?


Probably not, I assume by now you’ve picked up on the fact that I clearly believe the opposite and think this city is amazing. I obviously enjoy how well organized it is, how (most) of the people who live here are kind, and how much stuff there is to do. I highly recommend living here, but If you don’t currently live here, I don’t want you to because I really prefer the traffic level where it is.


I’d love to hear about what you love about Phoenix or if you are considering moving here hit me up with any questions you may have. I love trying to recommend the perfect bar for people.

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